I Want To Laugh Until I Cry

A couple of weeks ago I tried to remember the last time I laughed so hard I cried. 

I came up with nothing. There were no instances that came to mind at all. 

I’m sure there have been plenty, but the fact I couldn’t specifically remember freaked me out. 

All I distinctly came up with was a time was when I was very young (My Cousin and I had “waxed” our aunts’ kitchen floor by sticking wax paper on our feet and sliding around – still the best idea ever!).

“Fuck this!” I thought, “I want to have more of those moments.” 

You need to spend quality time with people who make you feel good- my soul said. Damn you, soul, for always being right!

I racked my brain. 

Who should I reach out to? Although I have a lot of really great friends in New York City, there are very few that really know me. 

That would get my sarcasm or jokes or references back to “that one time”, or be able to share in my interest of contemplating life. But, to stop listing all my setbacks, I realized I would have to forge some new relationships or work on current ones by being completely vulnerable – which scared the shit out of me (and which truthfully, still does).

I’ve spent the last month or so around people at work and with “friends of friends” being very quiet and probably appearing miserable, uninterested, or just like a bitch. 

Truth is, I’ve been scared that I won’t fit in and also frustrated that all people seemed to talk about was work and partying or how someone looked.

Forgetting that you get what you put in, I have stayed quiet instead of trying to start a meaningful conversation. Offering no vulnerability was giving me none in return, and my interactions with people have been mostly average at best.

In the last week or so, I’ve been making an active effort to spend more time with friends and allow myself to open back up again. 

It’s happening slowly, but I’m already starting to feel better.  

All along, it’s been those kinds of connections I was missing. If I want to realize my dream of writing and traveling and sharing my experiences, it will require a willingness to feel totally out of place, and still be authentic and make true connections. I have to start somewhere, so I’m starting at home.

Have you moved somewhere and found it hard to open up to new people? 

Or do you feel like you’re not being yourself around people to fit in? What do you do to make it easier or to make memorable connections? I’d love to hear!