“When you look at me, do you know you’re supposed to be with me?
Heart sinks, “No” I said, “do you?”
“No I don’t think so.”
“So what do we do?”
We weren’t meant to be together, and we knew it.
And that was it. (Okay that wasn’t it. It was followed by a lot of crying, talking, and me sleeping in his bed all day because my body felt to weak to go home.)
I wasn’t sure what I would do with myself. Break up mutually, when we still love each other? Who does that? Aren’t you only supposed to break up when someone cheats, is a complete idiot, or who you fall out of love with?
I could do that. I know how to get over that. But this was different.
We still really loved each other. But we knew if someone looked at us and said, “Could you see yourself marrying them?” our answers could have been yes but with hesitation we’d try to mask over.
We both want to have a “Hell yes of course-they’re the most amazing thing that everhappened to me” moment. Call us naive, but we’re holding out for that.
So we broke up.
On one hand I felt relieved. I saw myself start to feel and act more like the me I never knew I had forgotten.
The other part of me immediately ran to friends because I knew there would be moments I just wouldn’t be able to take it. And there have been plenty of those so far.
There were times I thought it was a mistake and wanted to take it all back. Times I’ve started crying listening to a song or after I couldn’t help myself and spent a little too much time on Facebook.
When I was with him, as much as I realized I had changed myself, I also found my connection to myself and to my source.
Other parts of my life changed so drastically for the positive over the last 2.5 years.
I launched this blog because I had finally been able to admit to myself that writing is what I love.
I left my hometown and moved to NYC, where I somehow (and largely because of how supportive he always was) had the courage to quit the job I moved there for 6 months in. I’m now something I only had to spend 2 seconds considering saying yes to. It was a huge risk and my life has completely opened up because I took it.
I got coaching, which has drastically started to change my relationship with my parents, my relationship with myself, and how I view love, all for the better.
I (albeit kicking and screaming) found house music, which has taught me how much my generation actually knows about how to tap into their soul – some of them just don’t realize that that’s what they’re doing yet.
How can you regret spending time with someone who showed you all of these things you were capable of? You can’t.
The story isn’t over yet.
I’m having fun again, and still also having moments of feeling pretty down.
But I’m finally learning what it means to give myself space to feel and how to express what I’m feeling. I don’t have to always be smiling or feel like getting out of bed.
I’m learning that it’s totally possible to cry in the morning and laugh super hard in the afternoon.
It’s not about never feeling shitty, its about loving yourself no fucking matter what.
You see, I think we’re growing up in a time where we’ve seen what happens when people settle in love. Does it mean it will always be easy? Of course not. But we all deserve that hell yes feeling when it comes to love.
Especially the two of us.