We All Deserve A "Hell Yes" When It Comes To Love

“When you look at me, do you know you’re supposed to be with me?

Heart sinks, “No” I said, “do you?”

“No I don’t think so.”

“So what do we do?”

“Fuck.”

We weren’t meant to be together, and we knew it.

And that was it. (Okay that wasn’t it. It was followed by a lot of crying, talking, and me sleeping in his bed all day because my body felt to weak to go home.)

I wasn’t sure what I would do with myself. Break up mutually, when we still love each other? Who does that? Aren’t you only supposed to break up when someone cheats, is a complete idiot, or who you fall out of love with?

I could do that. I know how to get over that. But this was different.

We still really loved each other. But we knew if someone looked at us and said, “Could you see yourself marrying them?” our answers could have been yes but with hesitation we’d try to mask over.

We both want to have a “Hell yes of course-they’re the most amazing thing that everhappened to me” moment. Call us naive, but we’re holding out for that.

So we broke up.

On one hand I felt relieved. I saw myself start to feel and act more like the me I never knew I had forgotten.

The other part of me immediately ran to friends because I knew there would be moments I just wouldn’t be able to take it. And there have been plenty of those so far.

There were times I thought it was a mistake and wanted to take it all back. Times I’ve started crying listening to a song or after I couldn’t help myself and spent a little too much time on Facebook.

When I was with him, as much as I realized I had changed myself, I also found my connection to myself and to my source.

Other parts of my life changed so drastically for the positive over the last 2.5 years.

I launched this blog because I had finally been able to admit to myself that writing is what I love.

I left my hometown and moved to NYC, where I somehow (and largely because of how supportive he always was) had the courage to quit the job I moved there for 6 months in. I’m now something I only had to spend 2 seconds considering saying yes to. It was a huge risk and my life has completely opened up because I took it.

I got coaching, which has drastically started to change my relationship with my parents, my relationship with myself, and how I view love, all for the better.

I (albeit kicking and screaming) found house music, which has taught me how much my generation actually knows about how to tap into their soul – some of them just don’t realize that that’s what they’re doing yet.

How can you regret spending time with someone who showed you all of these things you were capable of? You can’t.

The story isn’t over yet.

I’m having fun again, and still also having moments of feeling pretty down.

But I’m finally learning what it means to give myself space to feel and how to express what I’m feeling. I don’t have to always be smiling or feel like getting out of bed.

I’m learning that it’s totally possible to cry in the morning and laugh super hard in the afternoon.

It’s not about never feeling shitty, its about loving yourself no fucking matter what.

You see, I think we’re growing up in a time where we’ve seen what happens when people settle in love. Does it mean it will always be easy? Of course not. But we all deserve that hell yes feeling when it comes to love.

Especially the two of us.

Confessions From A Quote Lover

I admit it, I love a good quote.

The ones that make you think, go “Hell Yes”, and make your day a little brighter.

Every day I log in to Facebook for a little inspiration. After some “hiding” of status updates from people that are typically judgmental or negative, my news feed is filled with positive sentiment and people doing good in the world (and making money for it).

But Facebook, Pinterest, and every other social media outlet are home to often re-tweeted and misquoted texts. They’re everywhere!

From my own experience, if I’ve been sharing a lot of quotes around a particular subject, it’s because they speak to me where I am at a particular point in my life. I needed them, essentially, to make me feel better because someone else said something that either justified how I was feeling or helped me get out of what I was feeling. 

I have gotten more and more conscious of what I do share by questioning whether or not I could say, if someone asked me, that I was doing my best to live in the way that the quote implies.

We all know that person or people who share quote after quote of inspiration and right-doing but maybe aren’t living as the best friend, family member, or person as they display on social media.

They are likely sharing from that place of wanting to be, which is a huge start – and the world interprets it as they already are (which is probably exactly what they wanted). I am striving to be an example of what I share, and I find that the social aspect of sharing these thoughts holds me accountable.

But being a thought leader means sharing your own thoughts, not re-worded quotes from someone else. We spend so much time reading other people’s takes on things, yet the things I relate to the most are new perspectives.

I challenge you to tap in to your own stance and opinion and build your own quotes. Nobody can experience life from your vantage point and all of the past ways of being are just that – past. 

PHOTO CREDS

Good Enough

When was the last time you felt like you were good enough?

Good enough for your job, or a great relationship, or just plain old good enough to have an awesome life?

It seems like everywhere we turn, it’s always about where we’re lacking and what we could do better. Better paying job, better friends, better clothes, whatever.

Do I think finding where we can grow is critical? Of course. But lately I’ve found myself placing a lot of emphasis on what I’m doing wrong versus what I’ve been doing right all along.

I’ve never been one to toot my own horn. I’ve never thought that any of the things I’ve done were extra-ordinary. But why the fuck not, really?

I gave the speech at my undergrad graduation, where the 5,000+ seat court was almost full. Did I practice? No. Have I told anyone about it since (before now?)No. I let the people who knew know and hardly ever spoke of it. People congratulated me and I could tell they thought it was more important than I did. Looking back, that is definitely one of my uder-appreciated moments.

Each one of us has a part of our lives that someone else would probably pay to have, yet we take them soooo for granted.  So then what are we complaining about all the time? 

Maybe you’re a parent who lived for their children and never had much of a life of your own. Maybe you’re a new mom putting yourself through school. Maybe you just broke up with someone even though you were scared to death to be alone, or took a job that you don’t necessarily love but that makes you feel more stable. These are our personal victories. 

It’s not about never having bad days or never making mistakes . It’s about knowing how to shorten the length of time we let ourselves feel like shit about our lives. It’s knowing how to “let go and let God”, so to speak, and really celebrating our accomplishments.

Today I urge you to recognize your own personal victories, however small they may seem to you. I promise, you have some, and you owe it to your future self to remember just how blessed you really are.

Thank you to Amber Rae for the inspiration on this post.

Photo Creds

I Want To Laugh Until I Cry

A couple of weeks ago I tried to remember the last time I laughed so hard I cried. 

I came up with nothing. There were no instances that came to mind at all. 

I’m sure there have been plenty, but the fact I couldn’t specifically remember freaked me out. 

All I distinctly came up with was a time was when I was very young (My Cousin and I had “waxed” our aunts’ kitchen floor by sticking wax paper on our feet and sliding around – still the best idea ever!).

“Fuck this!” I thought, “I want to have more of those moments.” 

You need to spend quality time with people who make you feel good- my soul said. Damn you, soul, for always being right!

I racked my brain. 

Who should I reach out to? Although I have a lot of really great friends in New York City, there are very few that really know me. 

That would get my sarcasm or jokes or references back to “that one time”, or be able to share in my interest of contemplating life. But, to stop listing all my setbacks, I realized I would have to forge some new relationships or work on current ones by being completely vulnerable – which scared the shit out of me (and which truthfully, still does).

I’ve spent the last month or so around people at work and with “friends of friends” being very quiet and probably appearing miserable, uninterested, or just like a bitch. 

Truth is, I’ve been scared that I won’t fit in and also frustrated that all people seemed to talk about was work and partying or how someone looked.

Forgetting that you get what you put in, I have stayed quiet instead of trying to start a meaningful conversation. Offering no vulnerability was giving me none in return, and my interactions with people have been mostly average at best.

In the last week or so, I’ve been making an active effort to spend more time with friends and allow myself to open back up again. 

It’s happening slowly, but I’m already starting to feel better.  

All along, it’s been those kinds of connections I was missing. If I want to realize my dream of writing and traveling and sharing my experiences, it will require a willingness to feel totally out of place, and still be authentic and make true connections. I have to start somewhere, so I’m starting at home.

Have you moved somewhere and found it hard to open up to new people? 

Or do you feel like you’re not being yourself around people to fit in? What do you do to make it easier or to make memorable connections? I’d love to hear!